scans and interviews    Ring*Con 2003 Panel Transcript


Craig's Q&A November 14, 2003

Because JRD didn't make it until 8 pm on Friday, his and Craig's panels got swapped.

Note: Somebody remind me not to laugh into the recorder that loudly next time, okay?

Craig Parker: Remember, tonight, right after I stop, Mark Ferguson is coming back and we go, ahm, built this as a comedy show. We're not quite sure what we're gonna do but we'll try to makes this as a funny... if it's not, please just quietly walk out of the room, don't even say anything, just go "Right, it's really unfunny, lets walk out!" And eventually, when there's only three people left, we'll stop. Ahm, any questions? [fools around a bit, begs for questions, then some people sing "Happy birthday" for him] It's really nice of you to say happy birthday, [something about we should stop] my birthday was like two days ago.

Mark Ferguson and I travelled here, we came from New Zealand about a week and a half ago, and then we were in LA for a while. And then when we were leaving LA, we had some trouble with our tickets, because we had to go to Chicago, then to Toronto, the to [?], to do some other things... Mark had organized this. And so we got to LAX and we were tired and...we had been in LA for a few days and... we got to the airport and the woman said "I'm sorry, sir, these tickets... you are not confirmed for any of these flights!" We go "D'oh, they'll kill us!" [something indecipherable] You, you have to help us... [something about how nice this lady was and how she put them on another flight] She like "Here, just check your bags, different flight, you'll get there in time", and we were like "Uh, life is good". And so we get to Seattle... ahm, Chicago, and the plane circles for about an hour and a half. And the lightning bolts were hitting the wings [imitates how the plane shook]. And we had a connecting flight, and eventually we landed, and we were far too late for this other flight... it will be delayed a little bit, but then as we get of... "Ah we will make it just by this much..."

And Mark went "Oh, where is my passport?" Went back into the plane to look, came out...white. And I had his bag and got through...thought "Really disgusting, screwed up thing..." [something]. He had left his passport and all his tickets sitting at LAX on the counter. And we're in Chicago, we are going to Toronto, which is another country, and you need a passport to travel to another country. So we stayed in Chicago this night...I'm sorry I've got to get this out, it's like therapy for me [during cheers: something like "It's okay, Mark!"]

We had a night in a horrible hotel in Chicago, spend the next day in some office and trying to get a new passport... and they decided to step down on stupid Australians who loose their passports, so they had to give a firm talking to. And I actually had to leave him, to look for [something about the bags]. And I went between three different terminals, running around, the bags had vanished! And so, eventually then...this is such a boring story, I'm sorry...thank you...this is a lot cheaper than my doctor. And so finally, this furious...being calm and thinking nice modest thoughts and being nice to people, not screaming when I wanted to, finally, they say, thank god, the bags could follow and I could go to Germany. So we got there, got to the desk and they say "I'm sorry sir, the flight is closed". [loud awwwws from audience]

And at the moment I was Sauron, hell [screaming] "NO, IT'S NOT!!!" "Are you waiting, sir? You're not booked on this flight." "YES, I AM!!!" "Oh, yes, you are, sir." And, there is this poor little family, who'd been on the same little shuttle bus behind me. And, as they go...this elderly couple and a young girl. I helped them with this huge bag, being the good samaritan type, and they asked me [garbled] And, they were just behind me, and were on seconds later, and just as I got my ticket, she handed over...and she said "I'm sorry, this flight is now closed." And that poor family...[?] They haven't gotten here yet, I'm sorry...

But, that is just a little bit about my friend Mark Ferguson. And the best bit was, our luggage sat...somewhere, we don't know where, but it sat for about three days, so for three days, we wore the same... [somebody really loudly close to the recorder: EWWWW!] I had sandals on, but he had socks and shoes. And it's a long flight, you take your shoes off. [something during the cheers, only understood "STUPID!"] I love you Mark, kia ora. So thank you, I feel much better now. Mark, I love you again! It's all overblown now! [he growls, for no reason I can see]

Ahm, please, stop me talking, someone say something...somewhere. [Somebody way back asks something.] Pardon? Am I bonking someone? Sorry? You did say are you bonking someone, didn't you? Not right now. I don't think... Except in my head. [making hmmm noise and laughs adorably] No, at this present time I'm attractively single, I'm sorry. [people go awww] Yeah. [In a very dark voice] But later in the bar... [laughs again] I've become a monk. I've decided, yes, I become, ah, I become an Austrian monk. I don't know why Austria, but I am an Austrian monk. The order of, ahm...Schlibowitza...[something]

Q: [something I don't get]

C: I don't think we'll ever leave the stage. No one is leaving this room! We're here for the next twelve hours. I wanna see all of you guys in the bar... I wanna have a quick count. How many of you are there?

Somebody: 2300

C: 2300? Just 300, not 302, 303? Just dead on... Wow! [he does...something] I can go on, eh... This is fantastic, I think last year there were maybe 2000 people here, so, ah it's quite possible gonna be double the amount.

[Somebody comes up to the mike.]

C: Yes. You know, there is something sticking out of your hand, sir. I don't want to worry you... What is that? [The guy says something about a magic staff he's holding in his hand.] Does it do magic? What does it do...? It throws fire? Go on! Come on here, come on here! Go on! [The guy gets on the stage.] What's your name? ... Oh, what...no! Don't tell me your real name. Tell me your other name! [His name is something like Saudin. Don't quote me on that though! *g* He hands Craig his staff, who shows it to the audience.]
Here... can you see this? This is a dragonhead. Look. And this, this makes fire? [Saudin nods.] Go on, make it do it! Aww, come on! There's a fire warden, it's fine!... Come on... too dangerous?! Can we have a try? Look! [Craig gets his water bottle, sprinkles the stage with it and spreads the water with one foot.] I'll pour it on anything that's set on fire. Can we have a go? You hold that. [I think he gives the water bottle to Saudin and takes the staff from him.] Is there any magic word or anything with this? [something I didn't quite catch] This might be good! It might...! You have to stand a certain way, or...? [Craig gets out his lighter and holds it against the mouth of the dragonhead.] It's melting! ... [the audience cracks up] I think I just damaged your staff...! It's just a little bit dental work. Nothing's melted, is it?

Saudin: What did you do?! [He is totally shocked, poor guy!]

C: Oh, it's ruined! I'm sorry...we'll chat later... Security!! [Saudin walks off the stage.] [Craig says something about that S. is a wizard and Obi Wan Kenobi at the same time.] I burned his staff!! [He's embarrassed.] I'm sorry! [clears his throat] Anyone else got any treasured items they wanna bring up, that I can destroy? Anyone with children here? I can set fire to them!

Q: I was wondering, because Sala Baker was here, and he talked about killing you... [Craig goes, Hmmm!] and he said he wanted to reenact it here.

C: The number of times he tried to. Like... I'll be walking down the street sometime, and Sala is there with an axe, going "Get here!" But luckily he is quite small, in fact... you might not be able to tell, but sometimes the perspective on the stage make, you know...some people sometimes think that I'm actually shorter than he is...and smaller... and less cool, but that is just the perspective of the stage. And Sala did a lot of doubling for the dwarves, and when he says he's Sauron... it was him and about six other guys standing on each others shoulders. Yes...[to somebody at the microphone]...I'm sorry...there's someone come to the stage! Hello! How are you? [A girl gives him a bow and arrow which, as she says, she made herself for his birthday. The arrow has something fluffy and pink at the end.] Thank you very much! Can I shoot it? [She says it's only for decoration.] It's a bit like that magic staff, isn't it? [he shouts] Anything works here?! Next thing you'll be telling me is that this doesn't breathe fire either! [He refers to two polystyrine stone statues on the stage, I think.] It's beautiful, thank you very much! It's a little bit like a Cupid's bow! Well, thank you! [He tries to shoot it when the girl has left the stage, and the arrow just falls down. By now the room is roaring with laughter. He then examines the arrow closer and turns to the girl again.] Is this some endangered flower you ripped out of the hotel gardens? [He goes to put the bow and arrow on one of the fake statues.] This guy can do something while he waits! [While putting it on the stone monster he manages to break off one of its horn. I was basically lying under the chair from laughter by this time and for about 30 secs I've nothing but cheering on the tape! Craig then, after a futile attempt to put the horn back on walks off the stage.] Thank you, you've been awfully good to me! [Looks at the statue.] He looks better like that, doesn't he?

[More people come up to the stage.]

Is that a cake?! [He jumps off the stage and takes it.] Thank you! [looks around] Where's the magic staff? Can you light the candle? Can we share that amongst 2300 people? It's beautiful! And it's chocolate!! [He lights the candle and then gets ready to blow it out, while several people shout "Be careful!" He then talks a little to the people who brought the cake.] What we'll do is, we'll spread this amongst the whole family! [waves at the audience] Did you guys have dinner? [tries the cake and goes, "Hmm!"] It's real chocolate, too! [He continues with the cake.] Well, you talk amongst yourselves... Beautiful. [Somebody tells him to cut the cake or something.] Are you carrying a knife? You've got one in your pocket? [Lights the candle again.] You can drop the lighting if you want to, this will light this for us. It's lovely, isn't it? Until we find out it's a bomb!

[with a really high voice] Fine. Anybody? Any question somewhere? Mom, you said you'd ask a few. Mom?! [The lighting goes down suddenly, everybody is like "Ahhh!", Craig goes "Uhhhh, ahhh!" He then blows out the candle.] It's dripping wax all over the chocolate. We'll all want to try this, I promise. Everyone who asks a question will get a piece of cake!

[Some people, RingCon helpers, come onto the stage, all wearing the same shirt, telling him to read what is on there. So Craig reads.] Scottish men wear it, Scottish policemen wear it, Greek [something] Gods wear it, Massai men wear it, Maori men wear it, and...[all turn around] it's not a skirt, it's a wrap! Yeah! Thank you very much! It is a wrap, too, it's not a skirt! Thank you, man. This is ahm... Wait, one second...[he talks to the helpers, at first quietly and then deliberately into the mike, but acting as if we shouldn't hear what he says] ...go to my room... [hands over his key] ...my room number is like 632... no, sorry, thank you, sorry... [gets his key back]. I...I'll get it later... I have to say, I brought last year... and, ahm, this is all true... and it's from the pacific...I come from the pacific, where men are so secure with their sexuality they wear what is not a skirt but called a wrap. And, ahm, that really... thing that was like...a skirt. And you know, actually, here I am in Bonn where people are smarter than the average person, where culture is high, this was, you know, the center of the country for so long, so I thought here is the place I can wear this sophisticated piece of clothing, and everyone said [funny voice] "Eww, you're wearing a skirt, you're wearing a skirt!" You know? "You are like the...the... you are like a 'Warmduscher'". [huge cheers]

Q: Just a short question. Do you like German sweets? Because I've got gummy bears here!

C: Aww, that's sweet! Thank you... I just... I can't take any more food. People are starving in the world, you know! [takes the sweets] Thank you so much! What are they called? ... Goldbears! Thank you so much! These, we'll share these, we'll have them with the dinner! Sebastian, are you here? Nah, he's gone, he's in the bar drinking! [Sebastian is from the Ring*Con staff, he is Craig's PA during Ring*Con.]

Q: Happy birthday, and I think you're old enough now, so could you die for us once more?

C: [looks rather offended, lol] No! It hurts, you know! Ahm, ahm... maybe like you, we could... oh, man, this is like ahm... [He does the dying scene, rolls around the floor. All the while he takes little bites from the cake, dies some more, and takes more cake, making munching and dying sounds at the same time. You can download a clip of that here, rightclick save. My camera has no sound, so I put the clip to an Irish folk song.] Hmm, really nice! [for the cake, with his mouth full. I don't have to tell you that we were almost wetting ourselves laughing, do I?] Any more questions? [the speaker denies] Thank you, make it more. [Because he can't talk through all the cake. Before he can answer the next question he has to take a sip from his waterbottle.] This is really good cake!

Q: [Something about what he did since last year when he was in Bonn.]

C: It was... it was a week later, wasn't it? Because the Christmas markets were going, and they are not happening now!! Can we just move Christmas like a week ahead?! Because I... was it Reibekuchen? I'm spitting. You could see that I was eating chocolate cake! And that was... the only thing that drew me back to Bonn for the second time was the Reibekuchen. And the Christmas markets... [He's making fun of his inability to speak after the cake.]
And I think after that we were, uhm, we were performing a theatre piece, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. [He says that they liked it and it went on for a little longer than originally planned.] And then...sorry, I'm gonna burp now after, you know, the cake. Sorry! [Again, total hilarity!] And then... a TV show I worked on called Mercy Peak and that took the next six months. So, that's finished now, because there's a really stupid person controlling television at the moment. Ahm...now from NZ here I am. So yeah, we finished that series and for the last month and a half I've been kinda travelling around. So for the next three months... it's been so long since I've had a holiday... I'll be travelling around Europe. It's a nice time to do it! The good thing, too, is there are hardly any tourists now. You can go places and all the Americans have gone home... [*boo*] Hey, no, not you Americans! The other Americans! The ones who wear the really bright shirts, and refuse to learn, you know, even "Hello!", "Please!" in a language. [Impersonating an American, really loudly.] "Hey, can we have service here, buddy?!" [to the Americans in the audience] See, you, you, the great new hope for America! Well, I've seen New Zealanders doing it, too. The one thing... it kind of infuriates me when people think that if you don't speak English you're just being mean! [funny voice again] They just go to some country...you know, people just speak different languages in other countries. And they refuse to...they just think they're lying. They just shout louder! "Give me this!" This is what... no, I'm stopping in that track! But the thing is, when you come now it's cooler and there are less people... Man, I'm rambling now. I'm excited by the sugar from the cake!

[More people come on stage with presents. he takes them, one is a bottle of aftershave. Craig reads from the bottle.] Pure testosterone for elves! [cheers] This is really exciting for you watching me get presents. We could go on for hours, just me and presents. Thank you, you're very generous, thank you very much! [He lists up his presents.] Thank you! [with a tiny voice] I love you!

Q: Now we're being really, really mean, because you said you worked on the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and that you please...

C: You know, before you go on... I was the narrator. You see, all the narrator does, when everyone is singing he goes "It's just a jump to the left!" [Everybody sings "And then a step to the riiiiight!" Then Craig screws up the text.] "You put your knees in tight..." No, that's wrong, isn't it? See, the thing is, the narrator does the speaking. But I would love to sing for you right now, I want to sing for all of you right now because I feel that we are close enough for that, but, the reason I'm not going to sing for you is because I love you. I care about you, I want you all to be happy, and I want you to leave here without bleeding ears so we can all have some of these jelly beans, a little spritz of the Diesel and a little glass of the water, so we can go to the bar, we can destroy someones precious toy and try our skirts on. So, yeah... You haven't heard me sing, it's a terrible thing. I think I might've done some singing last year, ...we tried to, it was very bad! Yeah, yeah...later in the bar tonight.

[on the screen behind him there is a photo sequence of Haldir dying. Everyone goes * aww*.]

C: He's not gonna make the third film, is he? So, no one should take Peter Jackson's chair. "Gimme that chair!" You go, "Oh, sorry." Next day you get a script rewrite. "Oh, I get to the battle, ah! Aww, ohh. So that's just a flesh wound?" "No." "Oh! Okay. Do I get to go on the boat then?" "No." "Aww." [he looks sad, everyone goes *awww!*]

Q: [Something about if he notices any differences in people from different countries.]

C: Sometimes their accents are a bit different. [babbles on about that a bit.] And sometimes their money is different. But thank god you guys have the Euro. Aww, sorry, you don't like it, eh? But it's really nice of you as a country to prop up the other countries[?]. Thanks! Ahm, okay, this may sound like I'm just sucking up, but... this is the most fun and it does sound really trite of me saying, but this is really true, cause, this is like a big party, everyone is staying at the same place and it gets really kind of crazy and good time-ish.
But ehm, there are some subtle difference, but I'm not quite sure what they are. Europe is a lot lighter, I think. People tend to be less pushy and you know... Yeah, sometimes other places can get a bit scary... I'm just shutting up now, I think I'll get in trouble, aren't I? I can see you look at me: "Don't you talk about the Americans! [Southern accent.] I'll come and I cut ya! I'll show you what an axe in the back feels like, boy!" [Someone at the mike says something else in a southern accent, he asks her where she is from, she says from Washington DC.] You have no accent in Washington DC, you get to rule things! Next! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Q: We heard you like travelling a lot, so could you tell us something about travelling to Nepal?

C: [First sentence is missing, technology is not my friend, sorry!]...where they take some kind of out of work actor to some difficult-ish holiday spot. So, I was the lucky guinea pig to go to Nepal, first to make my way through the mountains and then down the river. And it was my first time to the subcontinent, I've been to Asia a lot but I haven't been to India or Nepal. And one of the best trips in my life, really, it was a month there and we spend kind of two weeks climbing mountains, which wasn't so much fun, but... you guys do a lot of that, too, you've got quite a few mountains in Germany, don't you? Oh, and in Austria even more up there I guess... you all like put a lot into climbing, don't you? Slapping your thighs as you climb up the mountains, blowing those big trumpets, with pigtails. [now he sings a little of, I don't know what it is, Bavarian or Austrian song]... Is that Switzerland? Look, I'm offending nations like that!

Where...yeah, it was this amazing place and ah...the lovely thing about...I think, Germans and New Zealanders travel a huge amount... if we all lived in the country at the same time there'd be no room, so half the population have to be travelling the world at any time, and ah...the amazing thing for me about places like Nepal and some places in Asia is there is so much poverty and life is incredibly difficult, but you tend to run into the most generous and kind, welcoming people there, so it's a really good lesson when you're moaning about your life, because you don't have the latest BMW and you, you know, you can't get decent Diesel Green in NZ and then you go to places where people almost have nothing and they'll give you what they have they almost give you [?]. It was fantastic! I heartily recommend you go to Nepal, and it also, it's kind of dangerous and violent there, it's... don't give such a warning, too much! And if you do die, then don't blame me! Sorry...

Q: My question is, erm, you have a really nice voice...

C: Aww, shut up! No, no I don't.

Q: And I'm quite amazed what range of tones can come out of you. And...

C: The range of tongues that come out of me?!

Q: Tones. My question is: What is your secret? Do you exercise it? Some speech exercises?

C: The best thing to do is, you get this glass... that curved glass with a stem on it? Ahm, wineglass, sorry! You put it on the table in front of you and you sit, probably, that far away from it. This is old drama school exercise to help your voice and with this hand [right] you reach up and you go down and you go like that. [hand is on the glass I think] And with this hand you reach in there to take out a wine opener [motions like opening a bottle of wine, goes like krchkrch, like the screw into the bottle] and with this hand you [mimics pouring wine into the glass] and then with the glass, ehm, with the wine you go [motions drinking and fills the glass]. You do that repeatedly, and it may not make your voice better but it'll make you feel much better about it. [loud cheers] And it's quite easy, it doesn't have to be wine, it can be all sorts of things, like ahm, beer? Whiskey? Vodka? Milk? Actually no, milk's not so good, cause then you [makes slimy sounds], like chocolate. Be careful with that. [Something with mixing milk and wine. Pats his stomach.] Yoghurt! God, what am I talking about?! Someone shoot me, quick! Sala! Help me! Stick that axe in my back!
Hello! [to someone on the balcony who shouts "Up here!"] [with a funny voice] Up here! Guten Tag...Abend.

Q: What's your favorite music group?

C: My favorite music group? Have you seen the ads of Vittel on television at the moment? [cheers] Good. David Bowie is my new...I just noticed... Oh, God, Mr. Bowie, great! So, ehm...David Bowie and, I used to say REM and U2...lots of stuff, really! Do you guys...yeah, shush now, Craig, also White Rain [?] and... the Flaming Lips are my new favorite, for the moment. [questioner says thank you.] Dankeschön, oh... bitteschön. [Makes moving like from one person to another, mutters] Dankeschön...bitteschön! [Repeatedly, like he is practising how you say "Danke" and "Bitte".]
[says hi to the next person, then in a really high voice] Oh, hi! It's like a ventriloquism contest, isn't it?

Q: I have a question for my mum who sits over there...

C: Hi, mum! Where are you, mum? What's your name?

Q: Sabine.

C: Sabine! Hi!

Q: [Something about his belly, if it comes from the German sweets or if he's pregnant.]

C: [Looks really offended, then giggles really cutely.] It's the cake! It's just my bad posture! I've got a belly like Brad Pitt under here. [Shouts of "Show us!"] Not like Brad Pitt the actor but Brad the auto mechanic who lives in Des Moine. [straightens up] I'll stand like this from now on! Ahem, thanks mom! Mothers are great, I love it! Just when you're feeling okay, they are like "Oh, you're not going out like that, are you? What have you done with yourself?" I had lunch with mum the other day, or, like, a month ago, or, two years ago, and, it's really stupid, you know, jeans and, you know, well, we used to buy nice new pair of jeans, now you spend twice as much on a pair of jeans that look like they've been ripped and shredded. Yeah, used in a motor garage for a while. [talks about a new pair like this he had just bought] And mum went "Oh! I think it's time you get a new pair of jeans!" Thanks mum! Mothers are good like that, aren't they?!

Q: I've a question about the first movie: When the Fellowship reaches Lorien, Gimli, the nasty little dwarf mutters some [Craig makes dwarvish-sounding noises, or what he thinks sounds like dwarvish anyways] curses. Did you ever find out which curses that were?

C: Ahm, John Rhys Davies is coming, I believe, so, I think you better ask him. [We did and the answer was:"Why don't you put your unattractive head in a very dark place, where doubtless your mother and father created you!" Thought you'd like to know... *ggg*] You know in the film, everything else is translated, so whenever someone speaks in Sindarin or Elvish or Dwarf or Black Speak and [he makes some languages up] Strangua and Spingy, I tell you there's a language, that Spingy language... it is translated, and this little bit isn't... and I recently heard this was a true curse that had been created, so it must mean something particularly nasty. But there are children in the audience, I would tell you all, but there is some small people here tonight. It's getting a bit late, though! Let's go to bed soon! But ask John Rhys Davies I'm sure he remembers it clearly. Thank you!

Q: They have this really nice picture of you up there on the screen...no, now it's just you...

C: With that belly, apparently... Thank you.

Q: [is about the blond wig, which she finds sexy, but Craig doesn't like] What do you think about being that blond? [Haldir pic is on the screen.]

[The last, like, 10 minutes are total crap, I have no idea why the tape is that bad suddenly. I'm trying to save as much as possible, thank goodness for my excellent memory! *gg* So excuse my paraphrasing!]

C: The scary thing was... you going to work and you have these thoughts in the back of your head [something] and you're having a discussion with your driver about ...[something world sorry and so on], as you do in the morning, and you get in there, and you get your coffee and you have a conversation in makeup [He says something about that when you get into your chair and they put the wig onto your head, all of a sudden every intelligent thought is gone.] Every time you put the wig on you have six people around you, keeping you away from sharp objects and cliffs. [Motions like falling off the stage. Makes funny dumb babble, mocking blondes.] You can't actually make blond jokes in Germany, because half of you are blond.

[Next like two minutes I can't understand a word he says, sorry guys!] Q: First: Your belly is perfect. [She ask why Haldir always has one hand on the hilt of his sword.]

C: It's quite an impractical costume, and you've bits sticking out everywhere, you can't...you know, [he like turns around, mimics hitting somebody behind him] Sorry...you kind...kill three orcs behind you [with the sword when you move] and if you try to walk...[he walks as if the sword is getting between his legs, and stumbles] so, when you do this [holds the hilt] you hold it still, that was for going...the only way I can walk.

[Again, can't catch a few sentences.]

[Question about Nepal again, he talks about how hard it was to climb through the mountains etc. Talks about the sherpers, too, who, while you were almost breaking down]...and they'd run up beside you, carrying a house on their back. [He then mimics like kicking those sherpers down the hill.] [He also tells the story with the chicken curry and the knuckles.] Chickens don't have knuckles, do they? I think we ate a puppy!

Q: I have to tell you that you remind me a lot of my seven year-old cousin.

C: That's not good, that's not good at all!

Q: What was your favorite movie or TV show when you were a kid?

C: [Only got half of that, because I don't know most of it, but he mentions Doctor Who, and how he met some actor [?] of that in London the other day.] [He reenacts this character, going "Exterminate, exterminate!!" For once he's the one laughing the loudest, though.] Saves the universe like that. You don't know what a Dalek is, I'm rambling on like an idiot.

Now Mark comes on the stage for the Comedy Show, and this is a totally different story!